over the rainbow and in the shadows of your mind

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To the boredom
i'm not on here to feel sorry for myself. I've been doing that for 7 months. I just felt the need to reach out to the world. no one took me seriously when i tried to kill myself. ... for the 3rd time. I think i just needed to write out my feelings and expose them to the world.
I know deep down in side no one will see this. no one will say something... and the more i seem to try to be seen the less i am.
I guess i got my childhood wish, to be invisible.
and how a lonely world it is.

I haven't been on here in the longest of times. I stopped writing and bloging.
I have been so lost in this world. I thought it was love and I believe I'm just making myself confused.
I have lost what I feared to have lost.
twice now.
Now just as I was getting back on my feet the carpet has been taken out from under me once again.
It is hard to smile and laugh. when you feel like some one is choking you and still each day I find a good reason to smile. even though i can loose sight of my grin from time to time. I still keep on going.
I will admit that last winter the snow was stained with tears and blood.
I had almost lost my way to the point of no returning. over some one that wasn't worth my life, and I almost didn't see it.
I do not know if there is a god, or many. I do not know if there is more than what we have now is all we are going to have. Do i believe in god. yes but I believe i do just so i can blame some one other than myself. If fate was true and this is his divine plan why would he choose me to see only suffering in my life. why would he do the horrible things he has done to me to me. is it a joke? what had i done to deserve this?
who knows?
no one. not even I.
I don't believe god controls our lives. if he loved us all then there was no way he would allow any of these horrible things to happen. maybe people of god would believe it was god that stayed my hand from cutting myself deeper. no. It was because the glass i used was too short and I just missed my vein. just.
anyways..I felt like ranting. It's all i can do right now. I'm pinned in the corner, my back against the wall. i'm drowning. and no one is helping me. no one can or will lend me their shoulder to cry on they arms to hold me and just say it's okay. it'll work out.
i feel like one day i'm going to just disappear and i suppose that is my new fear.
maybe what i really am scared of is to be happy? who knows...


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